Welcome to another refreshing episode of Thursday Chronicles, the only series where we dissect real-life Nigerian madness while laughing through our pain like true warriors. If you’re currently reading this on your phone, in the toilet, under the fan, or during work hours, then yes — this particular topic is calling your name directly.
You wake up in the morning, eyes still closed, one leg still in dreamland, and your hand is already searching for your phone like it’s your last hope on earth. You don’t even say “thank you, Lord” yet. You check WhatsApp, Twitter, Instagram, email, bank app (with fear), and maybe one or two sports scores, all within the first five minutes of consciousness.
Why are we like this?
Our phones have become more loyal than our friends. They know when we’re awake, when we’re lying, when we’re heartbroken, and when we’re stalking our ex’s new boo on social media. You take your phone everywhere; to the bathroom, to the kitchen, to the backyard, even to the balcony when you’re pretending to “get fresh air.” You can forget your house key, wallet, and even your trousers, but once you forget your phone? Crisis. Panic. Sweating. Chest pain.
We don’t talk to people anymore, we “text.” We don’t remember birthdays, Facebook reminds us. We don’t greet neighbors, we pretend to be on a call while passing them. Even weddings now have less dancing and more “content creation.” The bride hasn’t even finished walking in and someone’s already live on TikTok saying “Hey guys, we’re outside!”
We scroll endlessly. From morning traffic to midnight hunger, the phone is our escape. And it’s not even like we’re doing something productive. You open Instagram “for five minutes,” and two hours later, you’re watching a video of a turtle giving birth, a baby dancing shaku-shaku, and a woman in Canada making egusi soup with almond milk. You’re not sure how you got there, but you’re still scrolling.
We now measure our self-worth by screen time. If you spend less than six hours on your phone, people ask, “Are you okay?” Even sleep is now broken into “before TikTok” and “after TikTok.” You close your eyes by 11pm, but by 11:07 you’re laughing at “POV: You’re dating a Yoruba man that knows how to cook and cheat.”
And let’s not lie, notifications give us a strange kind of joy. The dopamine hit from one “like,” one comment, or a silly meme from your favorite group chat is more satisfying than rice and stew after a long day. Some of us don’t even need a notification. We just unlock our phones every two minutes, for nothing. Just vibes and anxiety.
The worst part? You can’t even rest in peace anymore. The moment you lie down, your phone starts singing:
“New DM.”
“Snapchat memory from 3 years ago.”
“Battery low.”
“Download complete.”
“Are you still watching?” — Yes, Netflix, I am. I am very much still jobless and watching.
And the addiction doesn’t stop with social media. We now Google everything. Chest pain? Google. Headache? Google. Dream about plantain? Google. You stub your toe and the next thing you’re searching, “symptoms of spiritual attack from ancestral enemies.”
We’ve become slaves to our phones. And the sad part is, we know it, we just don’t care anymore. You tell yourself, “Tomorrow, I’ll take a break.” But tomorrow comes, and you open one reel and you’re gone again. Trapped in the loop of content, chaos, and comment sections that ruin your mood and then fix it again five posts later.
But we’re not entirely to blame. Life is hard. Nigeria is stressful. Sometimes your phone is the only soft thing in your life. So you hold it tight. It’s your distraction, your companion, your laughter, your peace of mind, your therapist, and your personal DJ. In a world where everything seems out of control, your phone gives you the illusion that you can scroll away the madness.
Still, every now and then, unplugging is important. Go outside. Touch grass. Drink water and look into the sky, not just for aesthetic purposes but to remind yourself that real life is not in your Explore page. Talk to people without filters. Breathe without replying messages. Rest your eyes. Rest your soul.
Because the truth is, your battery isn’t the only thing draining, you are too.
Thank you for reading another episode of Thursday Chronicles, where we tell the truth with sugar, pepper, and a full plate of laughter.
If your screen time is longer than your sleep time, don’t worry, you’re not alone. We’re all just trying to survive, one scroll at a time.
Same place, same vibes, same storytelling next Thursday. Until then, stay sane, stay soft, and try not to open TikTok when you should be sleeping. Or do. Who am I to judge?
